2 Girls 1 Cup on the Normandy
by YamCakes
Summary: Joker decides he wants to show the Normandy crew an infamous vid from the 21st century. EDI records their reactions. Hilarity ensues. One-shot.


It had taken nearly two hours, but Joker had finally convinced the Normandy crew to stop whatever it was they were doing and come into the cockpit. He had wanted to show them an infamous vid from the 21st century on Earth. EDI had told him that it was quite popular to record other people's reactions and post them on the extranet, so he decided he would do just that.

Shepard, Garrus, Tali, Liara, Kaidan, James, Wrex, Traynor and Cortez, hell even Javik entered the cockpit in which Joker was sitting at the pilot's chair.

"Everyone, I called you all up here for something very important," Joker said.

"It better damn be, because I was right in the middle of some calibrations when you called me," Garrus mumbled.

"And it is! Here, let me just open up a browser…"

"You called us up here just to show us a vid?" Shepard said. "This better be fucking important, Joker, or I'll haul your ass out the airlock."

"I would be happy to assist," Javik added.

"Alright, here it is," Joker started playing the vid. "EDI, start recording."

"Yes Joker."

"Why is she recording-?"

"Shhh! Just watch!" Joker silenced Tali.

It started with two female humans making out with each other. Most of the crew was simply staring, but Liara's eyes seemed to be dimming with lust. James seemed to be smiling. Shepard raised an eyebrow. "You called us up here just to show us a—"

Then came the part. The darker woman shat in a cup.

"What the hell," came Kaidan.

"Mierda!" exclaimed James. "Literally."

Shepard's mouth hung open. Liara's eyes almost immediately went back to their usual color as she watched with disgust the two humans taking turns defecating in a cup. Talk about 'boner-kill.' Garrus stiffened and twitched his mandibles in surprise and held on to Tali, whose hands were covering where her 'mouth' would be.

The females then started to eat each other's shit, eliciting a scream from Traynor as she covered her eyes. Cortez started gagging. Javik just stared. Joker started laughing at all of their reactions.

"That's fucking nasty," Shepard said.

"THAT DOESN'T GO IN YOUR MOUTH HUMAN!" Wrex shouted as he started to whimper. He started to leave but James held him back.

"Hijo de puta!" James said as the females started making out passionately with shit between their mouths. "Oh fuck no," Shepard started to groan.

"Fucking goddess!" Liara screamed, startling the crew as this was the first time they had heard her cuss. Tali left the cockpit, leaving Garrus to hold on to Joker's chair as he stared intently on the screen, tearing some of the leather.

As the girls started to vomit into each other's mouths, so did Cortez. Joker laughed only harder. Liara soon followed. The video then ended. "Shit, it reeks in here," Shepard said as the odor started getting stronger.

Liara threw up a bit more with her eyes closed. "Don't. Mention. That. Word."

"Well shit," Joker said.

More vomit. "STAHP."

"Okay, okay." Joker sighed. "But yeah, it smells in here, can we get someone to clean up the cockpit please?" he spoke into the comm system. After a few seconds, a man from the support crew came in to wipe up the mess and freshen up the air. "Mmm, peppermint," Joker commented.

Tali came back in. "Ugh," she groaned.

"Where were you?" Shepard asked.

"Had to take off my mask for a moment to vomit in the bathroom… Garrus? Are you okay?"

The turian stood, still holding on to the pilot's chair. He seemed shaken. "I'm fine, just… is that a normal human thing or…?"

"No, not really. When it comes to fetishes, shit isn't really common. Foot fetishes are where it's at."

"…so that's why… nevermind," Liara said.

"Joder, I can't believe I just watched that," James sighed. "You okay, Wrex?"

"I'm fine! Why?"

"Because you looked just about ready to cry a minute ago."

"I don't know what you're talking about…"

Kaidan shook his head. "I'm going to take a cold shower."

"Us too," Cortez and Traynor said at the same time. All three left the cockpit.

Shepard noticed that Javik hadn't said a thing since watching the vid. "You alright, Javik?"

"I question why you primitives are so repulsed by this 'vid.' In my cycle, scat fetishes were incredibly common and encouraged."

"…."

Joker decided to change the subject. "So, how many views does the vid have, EDI?"

"1,242,057 views… 7,940,153 views… 693,486,205 views…"

"Damn! That was fast."

"Ughh," Shepard moaned.

"Do not be dismayed, Shepard," EDI said. "Morale has increased by over 10%. I predict that uploading more humourous vids will help with the war effort."

Joker smiled a huge grin. He looked to Shepard, then to Garrus, to Liara, to Tali, to Javik, to Wrex, to James then back to Shepard. "I have some ideas of what we can do."

"Goddammit, EDI." Shepard and the crew listened to Joker's idea.


End file.
